Breaking Up With A Narcissist: 10 Tips To Help You

It may not be easy to sustain a relationship with a narcissistic partner with self-centered behavior, deep insecurities, and a tendency towards emotional abuse. So, if you want to learn about breaking up with a narcissist, keep reading. When you are in deep love with someone, you often overlook their mistakes. This is also the case with narcissists. Their manipulative nature, codependency, lack of empathy, and harsh criticism can make you feel emotionally low and exhausted. You may start doubting yourself and feel confused about their behavior most of the time. Therefore, many feel the need to break up with a narcissistic partner for their own mental well-being. This article explores how to break up with your narcissistic partner and rebuild yourself after extracting yourself from the relationship. Scroll down for more information.

Quick Tip

It is not uncommon for narcissists to criticize their partners in relationships where their expectations are not met. Narcissists also accuse their partners of not loving them enough, and their constant need for attention can exhaust their spouses.

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

“Narc” is a term that loosely describes a difficult or toxic person. Narcissism is a medical condition studied extensively; however, there are no tangible diagnostic tests to detect it. A licensed therapist can psychoanalyze, but still, it is challenging to profile a person as a narcissist.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, a person needs to exhibit only 55% of the identified characteristics to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (1). Some common traits associated with NPD are

• Grandiosity (an inflated sense of self or an exaggerated feeling of being superior to others)
• Lack of empathy
• Arrogant and demeaning (often mentally or verbally abusive)
• Selfishness and entitlement
• Emotionally unavailable or inability to be vulnerable
• Need for constant admiration
• Lack of boundaries and possessiveness
• Dismissive of others’ feelings
• Repressed shame
• Manipulative, controlling, and exploitative
• Preoccupied with fantasies, beauty, or power
• Easily threatened
• Lack of responsibility or deflecting blame
• Fear of rejection

These characteristics fall under the umbrella category of narcissism and related personality disorders. Note: There is no cure for NPD, but traits can be managed. However, narcissists by their very nature refuse to own this diagnosis, and therefore rarely enter treatment. Identifying them can help you better handle the breakup.

Breaking Up With A Narcissist

1. Do Not Put Off Leaving

Another classic mistake people make is to postpone the breakup. There can be multiple reasons – you are not ready to break free, have formed a bond with your partner, have children, are dependent on them, or scared to be alone. The feeling of codependency may create a doubt that you cannot survive without them. This happens because narcissists isolate their partners from their friends and family. Do not let anyone guilt trip you to stay in a toxic relationship.

Some narcissists have a fake persona for the public, making it hard for their partner to convince people how terribly the narcissist treats you. They may even tend to lash out verbally and turn physically abusive, especially if they are addicted to drugs or alcohol. You might be scared to leave them because you believe you are in danger.

In such cases, it is important to walk out quietly without a confrontation. Plan ahead, save money, and pack your stuff. Ensure they do not know you are leaving and find a safe place where they do not have access. Confide in someone who can be there for you during this tough time.

2. Block All Contact

Once you have decided to leave your partner, avoid all contact for at least 6-8 months. This means no texts, phone calls, or stalking on social media. It might be the hardest part of the breakup, but you will come out wiser, happier, and stronger.

Make sure you do not speak to mutual friends or relatives, as narcissistic people might get vindictive and spread rumors about you. They might hover over you, send ambiguous messages, shower you with expensive gifts, call you incessantly, even beg for forgiveness to get back together. It is best you draw firm boundaries and do not give them any chance to manipulate you. Beware of their false promises and crocodile tears. They will do whatever it takes to get back together.

3. Do Not Try To Hold Them Accountable

The inflated sense of self and lack of empathy in a narcissist prevent them from having any sensible discussion. They will not accept any criticism and may even flip everything on you. They may lie to convince you that they will change only to keep you from breaking up.

Don’t be surprised if your narcissistic partner takes credit for the breakup. It is their way of saving face. They have an intense fear of rejection, making them want to create their narrative about the breakup. They will have a twisted logic behind every action and shift the blame on you. They will never take responsibility for anything unless it serves them an ulterior motive.

4. Believe In Yourself

Hold on to those moments of clarity – collect voice recordings, text messages, or videos.

Record your thoughts and events of the day in your journal. This will help keep you sane and combat gaslightingⁱ  A type of psychological manipulation where a person is emotionally persuaded to question their reality and judgment. , manipulation, and self-doubt.

Remember, it takes a lot of strength and conviction to walk away from such a relationship. Try to hold on to reality and be kind to yourself. Never blame yourself for staying so long or being vulnerable. You are your own person with a distinctive identity, and you do not exist to serve the interests of the narcissist.

5. Do Not Rationalize Or Make Excuses

Nobody is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. This can be true but dangerous when it comes to a relationship with a narcissist. Such kind of reasoning will give them more power to get away with unacceptable behavior. It is important to acknowledge that both of you made mistakes and need to work on them.

Do not blame yourself for judging them harshly or get unnecessarily hard on yourself. When it comes to a narcissist, the lines are pretty blurred, and you may be subconsciously making excuses to justify their behavior. It can be a part of the trauma bond, or you might be scared to confront the reality.

6. Never Fall For The Love Bombing

Love bombing refers to the initial phases of a relationship when everything seems rosy and romantic.

Most narcissists try to sweep you off your feet with flattery. They become attentive and make you feel like the only person in the world. This kind of behavior is often repeated whenever you threaten to leave.

It is normal to romanticize the good memories in the relationship, but it can be detrimental if you want to move on or have a clean break. Instead, focus when you had to walk on eggshells around your partner or were hurt. These incidents will bring out the skewed perspectives common in narcissistic relationships.

Quick Tip

It is important to purge all the reminders of the relationship, including photos from your phone and gifts and other memorabilia at home. This is to ensure you won’t slip into thinking that they weren’t as bad as you initially felt.

7. Do Not Blame Yourself

Often you end up blaming yourself for not trying hard enough in the relationship. Do not hate yourself for not recognizing the red flags or toxic patterns. The truth is that it takes two to make the relationship work. If you find your narcissistic partner has moved on pretty quickly, do not take it too hard.

It is a common tactic to show that they are fine without you. They might date someone who is “better” than you to trigger your insecurities. Do not compare yourself to anyone, as it might lead to jealousy, self-doubt, and self-loathing. Build yourself and focus on your healing, goals, achievements, and dreams.

8. Do Not Let Them Get To You

They might seem very happy with their new partner, doing everything you used to do. But it is a twisted way to punish you for leaving them. They will put on a show for you. This is all a façade – the truth is most narcissists are unhappy deep inside. They build these happy bubbles to delude themselves and others. Therefore, do not stalk them or their partner.

It might turn into an unhealthy obsession as you will compare yourself why it didn’t work out with you. On the other hand, you might feel tempted to warn the new partner, which may come across as sabotage or inappropriate. You do not owe any responsibility, and it is better to stay away from the drama.

Allow the next partner to make their own decision about your ex.

9. Grieve Properly

The entire relationship, especially the breakup, can be emotionally and physically exhausting. You might be drained and feeling like you are losing a huge chunk of your life. Thus, it is essential to acknowledge your past and present feelings. Accept your decisions and embrace yourself.

Grieve in whatever way that helps you cope with the situation. Take a break from your job, move to another city, or stay with friends or family. Recover at your own pace – the very fact that you got out of a narcissistic relationship is commendable. Acknowledge the good parts, but remind yourself that they no longer serve you. Surround yourself with people who cherish and love you for you.

10. Rediscover Yourself

There can be a sense of identity crisis when you are in a narcissistic relationship. The constant gaslighting and manipulation and the dismissive and humiliating comments might break your confidence. So, give yourself time to recover and focus on self-care.

Focus on building your self-esteem and doing things that make you happy. However trivial they may be, pursue things that you enjoy – wear that low-neck shirt or grab your favorite ice cream. Go and meet new people, and do not be cynical or pessimistic about relationships.

Laura, a blogger, recounted her experience of being married to a narcissist for eight years before she decided to leave him. She realized that she would never find the kind of closure she got from her previous relationship because the narcissist would never own up to or feel guilt for all that he put her through. Hence, she says, “ So I have been desperately trying over the past 4 months to turn the focus on myself and off of him. I’ve been spending time with friends and family (i).”

Infographic: Helpful Tips For Breaking Up With A Narcissistic Partner

If there is anything more difficult than being in a narcissistic relationship, it is breaking free from one. It takes a lot of courage and determination to make this decision and even more so to implement it. It is a necessary loss that you have to go through for your own good. To make it a bit easier for you, we have curated the most helpful tips that can guide you through this difficult process. Check out the infographic below to know more.

Illustration: StyleCraze Design Team

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the signs that you are in a relationship with a narcissist?

You are in a relationship with a narcissist if you notice a lack of empathy from them. Narcissistic partners tend to prioritize their desires over yours and want to control your life. Additionally, they show little regard for your feelings and well-being.

Will a narcissist try to come back?

Yes, a narcissist often comes back even after the breakup.

Do narcissists end up alone?

A narcissist may end up alone if they continue to mistreat and ignore their partner.

What are the top 5 things to never do after breaking up with a narcissist?

• Do not cry or appear vulnerable in front of them.
• Do not continue talking to them as it will only fuel their ego.
• Do not expect compassion or empathy from them.
• Do not trust or share personal information with them.
• Do not indulge in heated arguments with them, especially if they have anger management issues.

Does a narcissist miss you after a breakup?

No, a narcissist may not miss you after a breakup because they tend to see others as objects to be used for their own gratification, rather than for forming genuine connections.

How does a narcissist react when you dump him?

When you dump a narcissist, they may react angrily, with aggression or manipulation, as they feel a loss of control or power. They may try to blame you for their emotional distress and manipulate you to feel guilty. In addition, they may overwhelm you with immense love and affection to regain control of your feelings. The sudden shift of behavior will leave you confused. It is just their fantastic strategy to lure you back into the relationship.

What does a narcissist hate after a break up?

A narcissist may hate being alone or losing control after a breakup, as well as feeling rejected or abandoned.

Are narcissists jealous when you move on?

Narcissists may feel jealous when you move on because they need to feel in control and superior to their partners.

Do narcissists move on fast after a breakup?

Narcissists may move on fast after a breakup to use new relationships as a way to boost their ego and regain a sense of control.

Do narcissists get bored with long-term partners?

Narcissists may get bored with their long-term partners because they crave new experiences and excitement.

Can therapy be helpful for dealing with a breakup with a narcissist?

Therapy can be helpful as it can provide support, tools, and strategies for coping with the emotional aftermath.

Can breaking up with a narcissist have long-term effects on your mental health?

Yes it can because it ignites feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

Illustration: Breaking Up With A Narcissist: 10 Tips To Help You

Image: Stable Diffusion/StyleCraze Design Team

Navigate the complexities of a breakup with a narcissist and gain insights into what to expect. Find more about it in the video below.

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Originally from Atlanta, Dr. Nancy Irwin graduated from UWG in 1977 with a Bachelor of Music in Opera Performance. She moved to New York City in 1985 to pursue a career as a stand-up comedian. She worked all over the country and abroad and moved to Los Angeles in 1994 when she heard that Hollywood needed more blondes.

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Sneha has a master's degree in Applied Linguistics from the University of Hyderabad, a professional Relationship Coach diploma, and over four years of experience in writing. She writes about relationships and lifestyle.Sneha began her career as an instructional designer, shifted to freelance technical and research writing, and self-published a novella on the theme of adolescent mental health.

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