91 Questions To Ask Your Ex-Boyfriend Or Ex-Girlfriend

Breakups are emotionally equal to a storm; they just leave you choking and hurt. After the breakup, you think about every aspect and wonder what went wrong then. You might feel there are some questions to ask your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend.

People meet you for two reasons. They are either a blessing or a lesson by the unknown. You may contemplate ways to talk to your ex and whether you should talk while having a regular cup of coffee or over lunch. It often happens when you both work on the same campus or hang out in regular spots and have common friends.

Instead of struggling with yourself and being confused, get yourself prepared and take this as a learning chance. Clear the air with your ex once and for all by having an open conversation. We have listed some questions you can ask your ex and yourself. Scroll down!

The Importance Of Closure

According to a study among 260 college adults, about 40% are in existing relationships and stay in touch with an ex-lover (1). The research findings indicate that, although college students are relatively likely to maintain contact with former romantic partners, implications for current relationships depend on reasons for such contacts and individual differences. This is a constructive way to understand the dynamics that can help one navigate relationships more effectively. For example, breakups, especially unforeseen ones, leave behind a whirlwind of emotions like resentment, confusion, and shock. It is not unusual to feel lost or without purpose, continuing with your days as life moves on. You may feel stuck in a cycle of overthinking or questioning the past. Closure may give you some answers and help you make sense of what happened. It allows you to process your pain, learn valuable lessons, and eventually open yourself up to future relationships without regrets. However, getting aggressive or indulging in toxic habits and behaviors helps no one. The best way to deal with this confusion is to give yourself time to process your feelings and narrow down the things you need closure with. But what kind of questions do you ask to get the closure you need?

In the coming sections, we are going to discuss in depth what you should keep in mind and what questions to ask your ex to get the closure you need. So, keep reading!

Things To Keep In Mind

Figure out your motive! You need to figure out why you want to talk to your ex. Maybe you just bumped into them and decided to have a cup of coffee together. Or maybe you called them to meet specifically. Either way, be sure you know the exact reason you want to talk to them and ask them questions. There may be a lot of issues from your past relationship that may resurface. So, set boundaries beforehand to ensure the interaction remains respectful and focused. Consider what topics should be off-limits for your own well-being and communicate that to your ex. If you are unprepared, you only may feel shorthanded, hurt, angry, or bitter.

1. Forgiveness: Either of you may have done something to mess up the relationship. But if forgiveness is the aim of your conversation, remember not to dredge up the past. Don’t argue about things that happened. It may cause conflict instead of reparation. Acknowledge and apologize for your mistakes. Don’t get into a conversation with your ex expecting them to apologize. Do not accuse them of trust issues or force them into a conversation about their misgivings. Do not use abusive words to anger or hurt them. In order to receive or give forgiveness, you need to let things go. It is important to be mature.
2. Closure: Sometimes relationships end abruptly and talking to your ex might give you the closure you need. However, you cannot attain closure by being aggressive or hurtful towards your ex. You have to be mature and accept their side of the story. Also, finding closure may take time even after talking to your ex. Do not force them into a conversation with you. Instead, think about what they have already told you and make an effort to move on.
3. Reconcile: If you want to reconcile with your partner, you need to make sure they are on the same page as you. You both need to be willing to work at your relationship and mend the areas that need fixing. If both of you are not on the same page, this could lead to another breakup. You have to discuss openly what went wrong in the relationship.

Asking questions to an ex may help understand the dynamics of a relationship by bringing about clarity, promoting self-awareness, and helping to close. Such questions will help understand the reasons for the breakup, identify regrets and unresolved feelings, and learn lessons for the future. Moreover, it brings about self-awareness in understanding the impact of one’s actions and rectifying the issues that have been ignored. Be open-minded in approaching these conversations to see valuable insights and personal growth and receive a fresh start.

Quick Tip

You can bring a friend along if you feel awkward meeting your ex alone. They can ensure that interactions with your ex remain amicable and casual, as well as provide you with a reason to leave early.

You must be sure about why you are meeting your ex-partner. Here are a few questions to ask yourself first.

Questions To Ask Yourself

Before pointing fingers at your ex, it is important to realize what you want. This is not to say that you blame yourself for everything. You need to look at the situation as objectively as possible. Unless you know what you want and why your ex’s answers are important for you to move on, your conversation with them will bear no fruit. So here are some self-reflection questions to ask yourself before you re-connect with your ex.

1. Are there any unresolved feelings that you need to work through with a therapist?
2. What was the reason for breaking up with your ex?
3. Why do you want to talk to them now?
4. Has enough time passed that you are healed from the past relationship?
5. Do you want to get back with them?
6. Why do you want to get back with them?
7. How much have you changed mentally and emotionally since you last saw them?
8. Can you really let go of the past to begin a new relationship with your ex?
9. Are you angry or bitter towards them?
10. Has enough time passed since you broke up?
11. Can you honestly start a new relationship with your ex, leaving the past behind?
12. Have you (or they) resolved your past arguments?
13. What do your close friends and family think about this?
14. Did your friends or family influence the relationship?
15. Can you genuinely make compromises in this new relationship without remembering the past?
16. Do you genuinely feel your ex has changed?
17. If the relationship ended because you cheated, ask yourself what motivated you to cheat? Why couldn’t you speak to your ex instead?
18. What did you learn from the relationship?
19. What was your best and worst memory of the relationship?
20. Do you want to stay friends?
21. Are you happy where you are right now?
22. Is it really necessary to have this discussion with your ex?
23. What do you expect to learn from this conversation with your ex?

When meeting your ex, it is important to listen to what they say. Take them for their word. Do not expect to hear specific answers and try to accept and understand what they have to say. If their answers are disappointing, there is no need for hostility as this only clarifies things between you two were not working as smoothly as you had believed. Allowing them to openly and frankly express themselves and gracefully listening can give you clearer insights and help you heal. It is important to keep your communication skills amped up for better conveyance. Here are some questions you can ask to get them to open up to you and speak their mind.

Questions To Ask Your Ex After A Breakup

Reaching out to an ex with these questions can lead to various outcomes. They might offer closure, clear past misunderstandings, or even rekindle a friendship or connection, depending on their emotional readiness. Some might stir up unfinished feelings, and others might outline personal growth after the breakup. Approaching these discussions with respect, an open mind, and realistic expectations will help ensure they are constructive rather than emotionally overwhelming. Scroll down to see the questions to ask your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend:

24. Have they had any significant realizations since you both parted ways?
25. Did they really love you?
26. Do you feel that they are also willing to compromise to make the relationship work?
27. From their perspective, what went wrong?
28. Do they think about you? If so, how? (good or bad)
29. What did they like about you first?
30. What worked in the relationship, according to them?
31. What were the problems in the relationship, according to them?
32. Is there a trait of yours that they liked at the beginning of the relationship but grew to dislike overtime?
33. How have they changed since the last time you saw them?
34. Do they feel there was something irrelevant that you both argued about? What was it?
35. What was lacking in the relationship (or you)?
36. Did they feel understood by you?
37. Do they think of a future with you?
38. What did they learn from the relationship?
39. What do their friends and family think about you?
40. What would their friends and family say if you got back together?
41. Have they been seeing someone after the breakup?
42. Do they feel they have changed? If so, how?
43. What would they do differently if you both got back together?
44. What has changed in their life and how would that factor into the relationship?
45. Have any of their future career or general plans changed?
46. Is there anything they would like you to know? Or is there anything they would like to clear the air about?
47. What was their favorite memory of the relationship?
48. What was their worst memory of the relationship?

The Right Questions To Ask Your Ex If You Want To Get Back Together

If you are considering getting back together with your ex, you need to ask questions that will help you understand whether the relationship can work this time. This is most effective when both of you have had time to reflect on the past and are open to an honest conversation. They’re designed to uncover whether the issues that caused the breakup have been resolved, what’s changed since then, and whether you share the same intentions moving forward. Use these questions when you feel there’s potential for reconciliation but want clarity before diving back in.

49. Are they ready to address the unresolved conflicts from your past relationship?
50. Do they want to get back together?
51. Do they still have feelings for you?
52. Have their feelings matured in any way?
53. What do they think can be done differently to improve the relationship?
54. Is there anything they would have done differently in the past relationship?
55. How much have they changed, and how do they feel you have changed?
56. Do they feel both of you are at a similar maturity level (emotionally and mentally) to make this work?
57. What do they feel you should change or work on?
58. What is the type of relationship they want?
59. Are they any boundaries that you and they need to have?
60. How good were you both in bed? What would you change about that?
61. How good were you both at discussing personal problems with each other?
62. Did any of your family members influence the relationship?
63. Are they willing to work on the relationship? Would they agree to go for counseling, if required?
64. What are they looking for in an ideal partner? And do you match up to their expectations?

The Right Questions To Ask Your Ex For Closure

Seeking closure following a breakup is a deeply personal journey, and the right questions can help you find peace with what happened. These questions are most relevant when you’re struggling with unanswered doubts or lingering “what ifs” that are holding you back from moving on. They are meant to be understood from your ex’s point of view, reflect about the dynamics of the relationship, and make sense about the breakup itself. Use these questions when you are ready to face the truth, no matter how difficult, so you can finally let go and heal.

If Your Partner Cheated

65. What motivated them to cheat?
66. Why couldn’t they have spoken to you, if they felt you were lacking in any way?
67. Did they feel you were not receptive to their feelings?
68. What have they learnt since the breakup that they would do differently?
69. Was there something they felt you shouldn’t have done that might have messed up the relationship?

If They Moved On

When your ex has moved on to a new relationship, the conversation dynamic changes. These questions are most effective when you are seeking personal clarity, not to interfere with their current life. They are designed to help you process your emotions, and gain closure without crossing boundaries. Use these questions when you’re curious about your ex’s growth or if you need reassurance to move forward yourself, empowering you to take control of your emotional journey.

70. When did they realize that they moved on?
71. Was there something that affected the change in their feelings?
72. Was the relationship too stagnant?
73. If they could tell you one thing about the relationship, what would it be?
74. Is there anything they took away from the relationship?
75. Was there any way they could have worked on their feelings?
76. Would they have considered counseling?

General Questions To Ask For Closure

Not every breakup needs deep, emotional conversations; sometimes, general questions are enough to bring clarity. These questions are applicable when you want easy, uncomplicated answers to the relationship but don’t need to dig into too much emotional depth. They are effective if the breakup isn’t too complicated or you just need a little insight to tie loose ends.

77. What do they appreciate the most about the relationship?
78. How did they deal with the breakup recovery?
79. What are some of the things in the relationship they wish they could erase?
80. Is there anything they would want to discuss with you?
81. Do you both want to stay connected as friends?
82. What did they feel was the breaking point or argument?
83. Are they happy where they are?

Deep Questions To Ask Your Ex-boyfriend

If you’re ready to dive into the emotional core of your past relationship, these deep questions are for you. They’re most relevant when you’re not afraid to explore sensitive topics like feelings, regrets, personal growth, and the lessons learned from your time together. These questions can lead to heartfelt conversations that provide a deeper understanding of yourself and your ex. Use them when you feel you are emotionally able to handle raw, honest answers.

84. How have their feelings towards you evolved since the breakup?
85. Are there any specific moments or memories from your time together that stand out to them?
86. What were the strengths and weaknesses of your connection?
87. Have their life priorities shifted since you were together?
88. Do they think that there are any unaddressed misunderstandings or unresolved issues?
89. Have they considered or pursued any personal goals or interests that they did not while you were together?
90. Have they forgiven themselves for any mistakes made during your relationship?
91. Has there been something they have discovered about relationships in general that surprised them since the breakup?

Conversations with exes can be tricky, and while you may have the urge to bombard them with lengthy breakup paragraphs to show your emotions after the breakup, it is essential to keep one’s calm and deal with things responsibly. So check out some topics you should avoid while speaking to your ex.

What To Avoid When Speaking To Your Ex

• Don’t be aggressive. Avoid being verbally, physically, emotionally, or mentally abusive towards your partner. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, you might feel angry or hurt and become aggressive. This does not and cannot help your relationship with your ex. It is just going to ruin any connection you have left.
• If your partner has cheated or broken your heart in some way, avoid constantly accusing them of hurting you. This will affect any chance of closure. Just take what they say, and move on. Decide if you want to work on the relationship or let it go. If you want to work on the relationship ask yourself if you can really let go of how they hurt you. If you cannot, chances are high that it will impact your relationship with your ex.
• If they want to move on but you still have feelings for them, do not force them into conversations or meetings they are not comfortable with. While it may hurt you, understand that things are different for them. Just accept it and it will be easier for you to move on.
• Once you and your ex have finished speaking and decided to go your own way, do not try to spread rumors about them. Be mature, achieve closure, and move on to a better relationship.

Quick Tip

Avoid comparing your relationship to your ex with your current relationship. There are no practical justifications for doing this.

Note: The list of questions to ask your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend below is curated from a variety of sources to ensure relevance and depth. We’ve drawn insights from internet forums, online discussions, and relationship-focused platforms where people openly share their experiences with exes. Personal blogs and articles also provide anecdotal evidence highlighting real-life scenarios, emotional challenges, and lessons learned from past relationships. This mixture of first-person accounts and community dialogue helps develop thoughtful, reflective questions designed to foster meaningful conversation.

Whether the conversation brings closure, opens the door to friendship, or confirms that it’s time to move on completely, each outcome offers an opportunity for growth.  What matters is how you decide to process the answers you get from them and what steps you’re going to take afterward. The following section will help you with tips on how to handle their replies. The bottom line is to help you move forward with clarity and peace of mind. Scroll ahead!

How To Process Your Ex’s Responses

Starting a dialogue with an ex can be nerve-wracking, but facing their replies can be much tougher. Whether you seek closure, clarity, or maybe rebuilding a connection, the replies you get might bring some unexpected emotions, both good and bad. That’s why it’s not merely asking the right questions but also how you handle the replies with maturity and emotional resilience. In this section, we are going to give you practical strategies to process responses when reconnecting with an ex, empowering you to handle the situation with grace and control.

• Don’t be in a hurry to respond. Give yourself the space to process the answers emotionally and logically internally.
• Ask how it made you feel: relieved, confused, hurt, or hopeful.
• If the conversation stirs up old emotions again, determine if further communication is healthy for you.
• Very clearly define what kind of relationship you want going forward, if any.
• Use your insights to reflect on lessons learned from the relationship.
• Channel any unsolved emotions positively through journaling, hobbies, or therapy.
• Discuss expectations for not falling back into old ways
• If both of you find that closure is required, it is part of your healing. 
• Prioritize yourself and shift attention to your future, not the past. 
• Discuss with friends, family, or a counselor if the discussion raises difficult emotions. It is okay to seek help when dealing with complex emotions. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and seeking support is a sign of strength. You deserve to be understood and supported as you navigate the complexities of your emotions.

There is no way you are fully prepared for hearing your ex’s honest thoughts. What matters most, however, is the way you approach their responses with an open mind and a heart grounded in self-respect; their words can’t define your worth, but theirs are simply reflecting their perspective.

Infographic: Dos And Don’ts To Remember When Seeing Your Ex

Meeting up with your ex may not be as simple. Many of the past problems could reappear and may send you both on an emotional roller coaster. However, it is important to treat the other person nicely. We want to help you know what to do and what not to do when you run into your ex. The following infographic should help.

Illustration: StyleCraze Design Team

Frequently Asked Questions

What to say to reconnect with an ex?

While most exes may not be open to reconnecting, there may be a few exceptions. Discussing what went wrong in the past, dropping a short text to enquire about them, and apologizing if you are wrong are a few things you can do to reconnect with your ex.

How do I talk to my ex about getting back together?

Call them if possible and honestly express your thoughts. Do not be desperate. Wait for their reaction. If you feel they also share the same feelings, it is good to meet and discuss getting back together.

How do I ask my ex-girlfriend out?

If you had initiated the breakup, you could be better positioned to ask your ex out. If not, you need to tread carefully. Start by reconnecting over normal text or phone conversations and asking out casually.

What are some deep questions to ask your ex?

It is fine to have a deep conversation with your ex after a breakup. You can ask questions like – “Do you think we could have done some things differently to have had a better relationship?” or “What positive impact did our relationship have on you?”.

How can I make my ex miss me?

Confining strict boundaries and avoiding the temptation to contact is the fundamental rule to make your ex miss you. Do not stalk your ex; instead, spend time reinventing yourself and getting socially active.

Illustration: Questions To Ask Your Ex-Boyfriend Or Ex-Girlfriend

Image: Dall·E/StyleCraze Design Team

Are you ready to make changes to make your relationship work? Watch this video that features six questions that you can ask your ex when they want you back.

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Darrell ReeseMS, LMFT-A

   

Darrell Reese is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate with 20 years of experience. He helps couples rekindle their love and create a loving and happy relationship through Darrell Reese Counseling.

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Sneha TeteBeauty & Lifestyle Writer

 

Sneha holds a master’s degree in Applied Linguistics from the University of Hyderabad and a professional Relationship Coach diploma. With over four years of experience in writing, she specializes in crafting insightful articles on relationships and lifestyle.

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Asmita DeAssociate Editor

Asmita De is an associate editor with over three years of experience. She graduated in English Literature from the University of Calcutta. She has collaborated with several digital companies and reputed publishing houses as an editor.

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